Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Everyday has become a struggle. At least in this chapter of my life. I've come down to the bottom of the barrel. In need of a job. In need of friends. In need of a girl. In need of a hobby. In need of an excercise. Life has caught up with me and past me. It could be the weed. It could be just me being me. I feel so alone man. Something about this town I just cant succeed. Tangled up in ways one can't even imagine. My mind is fried as I keep packing the medicine in the pipe. I was running. slowed down to walking. Finally as I push for the next step I feel myself turn to stone. My feet become permanently grounded and My movement is very minimal. With no job, no progress, I feel frozen and stuck in time. Everyone else is passing by. I sit and wait. For what I don't know. I'm tired in the days. Awake and optumistic at night. i am a prisoner of mirrors. As i walk down a hallway, mirrors have my head turning. From that point on its just a mindfuck and a puzzle escape. This struggle goes on till the next mirror shows me my reflection again. Prisoner of words because everytime I open my mouth I first off feel pathetic. Second off my eyes are fixed on reactions which again puts turbulence in my thoughts and throws off my composure. I feed off reactions because I don't know how I really feel about what I'm talking about. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel worthy. I've abandoned all sense of value somewhere down the line.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Its funny how life plays itself out. I am literally speechless for the way life has me swept off feet and gasping for air. I don't sign off everyday like another chapter of an epic adventure as I'd like to. Instead I learn more about who I really. Sometimes these things I learn about myself are disgusting. I spend much time brainstorming on how I can finally stop brainstorming. I have a faint idea of what might be able to bring some balance into my life, but I fail to apply greatness into my life. Alot of the time, I find myself watching others be hero's. Often times Everyone else can and i can't. Deep down inside I know why this is but scared to admit it. Scared to admit all the guilt inside. Everyday I'm a walking shame for no fucking reason. Just a couple of tweaks in my life and I feel like a fucking mess. I feel like 6 or more human beings in one fucking body. Talk about a fucking tumor. I don't come from a family of hero's or anything. My dad looks like a mess. I don't feel a strong backbone. I have the biggest debate on what I want to do with myself. I just want to fucking do it. I almost want to shed this skin of lie and tell people what my real name is. Sohail. Its Sohail. and I have a crazy mother fucking face. And an even crazier mind. I don't fucking care what happens. I almost want to move away and do it all over again. I want to take what I fucking am and create something even better and bigger with it. I don't fucking care what fucking happens.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I can't make sense out of this.. I get up every morning. Not sure exactly what is on my mind. Maybe its an an idea I am chasing. Maybe I'm trying to come up with ways I could feel worthy. Well I sure could think of a few. But do i ever do anything about it? Nahh. Not really. I'm sitting in the same shit hole doing the same bullshit since I was in High School. Nothing has really changed. I shoot high for the sky but then come straight nosediving down even deeper than my initial starting point. Everything is jacked up. I don't go through a day without criticizing my body. It all starts with my face. When I look in the mirror, I get the same two reflections I've always gotten. Its either a handsome boy, or an ogre from the swamp. It makes no sense. I'm beginning to think the mirror lies. After I am done examining my face, I move onto my body. I feel shame for being a smaller guy. Its in my genes and I know it. On top of having small limbs, I go on to bash on myself for my ethnicity. The sorrow never ends. I look into immediate escapes from this state state of mind. I know I do exactly that which I know is wrong. I smoke weed everyday. I buy it, roll it, smoke it, then blow my money on fast food. I procrastinate on everything. I mean EVERYTHING. You can be sure, that when I am getting something done, Its almost always late. I don't know what to do to break away from this habit. I NEED A JOB. i NEED to stop smoking. i NEED to easy down on the drinking. i NEED to get into my classes. I need to get a degree and also i NEED to go to sleep early so i can wake up early in order to fill the NEED of exercising.